These giant law firm summer job offers are so strange. Examples:
1. They are all rated, by someone or other, as one of the Top Ten Best _____ Firm, or, alternately, are Recognized as One of America's Preeminent ______ Firms. Luckily there are enough Top Ten lists out there to accomidate all of them.
2. They all provide mentors. Also known as "attorney-buddies," and I'm not kidding.
3. They all offer trips to Napa Valley. I think they're sending the message that they will get us sloshed, but in that sophisticated, attorney way. (But then again, bums aren't called winos for nothing...).
4. They sponsor interoffice softball games. I wonder if softball players find it insulting. Softball is always the sport used to promote comraderie in groups of unathletic, frighteningly pale professionals.
5. They're looking for interns with "academic excellence" and a sense of humor. Do all attorneys undeservedly think they're hilarious or what? If so I'm on the right path.
6. Why are they trying to sell themselves to us? I mean, aren't we supposed to sell our soul for a job from them? Are they really competing for summer interns? This isn't the 90s....
7. Is offering a salary of $10,400 each month a typo or what? Are they saying I can work one summer for them and make half my salary from all of last year? Do I really want to be a lawyer? Can't I just be a summer intern for the rest of my life?
8. Then they hire 95% of their summers after law school. For that, they can have my soul for free.
9. They think they're unique because they have a "one-firm culture." They all offer a "one-firm culture." This is the concept that they are one big firm. Of course that's the culture. They are one big firm.
10. They're all way Too Good To Be True. And way too good to hire a 1L from a ___-tier law school.
(PS. If anyone's hiring, I enjoy cheap white wine, I sprint very quickly to the bus every day, I'm convinced I have an excellent sense of humor, and I integrate easily into preeminent microcosms.)